I Pray That God Loves Me
Reminiscing on how much I used to believe in God and wishing I could believe in Him the same way now. But I feel too me.
I pray that He teaches me how to accept That I pray to God in English even though My ancestors would only recognise Osanobua I wonder if my tears when I listen to worship Are my ancestors grieving the God I now worship I pray that God knows I was made in His Image And yet His people still hate me and my blood I pray that God remembers the colour of my skin When He decides it is time to call me Home And the gates of Heaven reject my noose I wonder if He feels like a thief sometimes Whether He orchestrated the arrival of the white beasts Onto our native lands as a performance for Heaven And sketched the anger into Black skin in Eden So that we were never human, just caricatures Many are chosen but few are called Perhaps I was born unable to be called My destiny blocked by my Blackness I hate that I am always the Other Even in Your presence I wonder if we are God’s play toys Christ in exchange for our ancestors’ blood And whether He lets us feel the weight of Empire So we masturbate at the thought of Heaven Waiting for an orgasm that will never come I wonder if He would betrays us The same way Peter denied him thrice If Empire promised to worship Him Better than we ever did Just like a Creator deserves I pray that God forgets my sins The same way I forget His tyranny When He paints my kind of love red We seem to have the free will to murder But not the free will to love sacrificially I pray that God remembers me meekly That He remembers the tender evenings When I prayed for her healing and Not the nights where I questioned His Word and Wished that He would teach me how to forget Him I pray that He remembers how my faith renewed When I felt the gentle touch of liberation As it kissed me slowly at that protest Liberation told me this was Christ-like love To love even if they may not love me back I wonder if Christ would smile at us from the cross Whether He would be willing to bleed anew with us I wonder if He would bleed as human or as God And call us His good and faithful servants Unclean. Vulnerable. Messy. Exposed. I pray that He teaches me to be willing To be willing to give up my life for another To be willing to bleed slowly ensemble To be willing to die together To be willing to fall together I pray That Jesus lets me cry on His feet the same way Mary Magdalene bought perfume just so she could wash it off His feet with her tears Knowing that her sins would be forgiven I pray that my tears are just as cleansing I pray that God loves me on the days On which I hate Him and His Son I pray that God reads the prayers in my journal And that He can feel the revolution in my heart It is unruly. Unkind. Ugly I pray that God knows I want to be loved unconditionally That I would go to deepest parts of Hellfire If He promised he would love me meekly there Like a mother embraces her newborn baby Like He loved the Samaritan at the well I pray that God blesses my anger lovingly I pray that God sees Himself in me I pray that God remembers the evenings I would spend crying at His Feet Praying he would eliminate my friend’s sadness I pray that He remembers the first day I woke up with a hardened heart of critique Forgetting the call to surrender to the Gospel My prayers seem too heavy for Him to answer Or perhaps Christ forgot to die for me Teach me Lord how to pray Our Father Who Art in Heaven Revive the ritual of kneeling and crying Meekly, lovingly, patiently reading Your Word Teach me the Divine Teach me Lord how to worship At the mention of Your name, every knee shall bow Forcingly At the mention of your name, every tongue shall confess Begrudgingly You did not make me capable of hating Thus I cannot distinguish If I want the embrace of the Father Or the freedom to curse You forever more I can taste the blasphemy on my tongue May I be God for a day Overwhelm the Earth with my Love And in the second half reveal my face: Worship your creator! God, I am just like You On judgement day I pray You die too This time in the most humanely way possible As your back is whipped may you feel it completely Die in your mother’s arms as she weeps And You judge Yourself (un)worthy of heaven