My mother’s gaze is me knowing i’d never truly love myself when she packed a scale for me to take to university. Suddenly I’m eleven again in a pro- anorexia Whatsapp group chat, learning how to starve myself.
To my family, my body is a bittersweet reminder of their failures to curate a perfect daughter as my mum tells me that she does not like how I look; I am reminded of how proud of myself I felt the first day I intentionally only ate one meal.
My mother’s gaze is me never expecting anything from the world knowing that even my own family cannot see past my body.
My mother’s gaze is a reminder that I am not beautiful.
That to exist as a fat black woman is to write a suicide letter to my confidence; my self esteem died with eleven year old me who still saw the world as her oyster.
My mother’s gaze is me knowing that I am seen as a black body and as I scroll through Tiktok I realised not even my own love me; its difficult to beat not meeting your own beauty standards.
My mother’s gaze is word skeletons haunting me with every bite and knowing that perhaps love was never written for me in this life time.
My mother’s gaze is me training like a soldier for war, killing any feeling or emotion I have as my mother mercilessly shoots my curves.
My mother’s gaze is not being able to have more than three conversations in a row without a mention of my body. It is my family reminding me of the perseverance of 11 year old me who wanted to kill herself.
My mother’s gaze pushes me into a labyrinth with no exit.
My mother’s gaze is realising my eating disorder was a product of empty word skeletons.
My mother’s gaze is fearing that no one will ever love me
What is my mother’s gaze but a mirrored reflection of unworthiness?
bawling my eyes out. this is truly painful but there is so much beauty in your courage to write this out. you are beautiful, you are loved. if not by anyone else, you must love yourself. it is the only way to survive. learn to until it is not something you need to learn anymore. crying. thank u for this piece. sending my love